Posted: 26 Oct 14
Here's to unifying the species -- one human contact at a time.
1. SO BENEFICIAL IN SO MANY WAYS: It would be hard to exaggerate the importance of this particular skill. And it's an awesome, incredibly pleasing thing to run into those gifted souls who catch the name, forever, on the first encounter.
I remember a bartender, years ago, who would call people by name -- INSTANTLY -- WITHOUT EXCEPTION -- some of whom he had met briefly, only once, decades before. Needless to say, he was loved and admired for the incredible compliment this pays. What power!2. THE FIRST ENCOUNTER: And, it seems the general rule that most people have difficulty with this one (I often do). On meeting a new person, the name often goes in one ear and instantly leaves through the other. Then, you have to ask for a repeat -- if this doesn't embarrass -- as it often seems to, for some -- as if this would expose some non-existent character-flaw -- and somehow diminish us.
3. THE MENTAL-SHIFT: So, about a decade ago, I stopped being embarrassed about this annoying "short-coming" -- though I am still far from mastering it -- and I am improving
(it's such a show of genuine respect and reducer of uncomfortable awkwardness). I'm not afraid to admit my weaknesses to others, and promise to try -- and I "warn them" that they can expect me to keep asking their names on future contacts (if I forget), until I've mastered the crucial information. That's just how I roll these days.
4. ONE TECHNIQUE: How do we program our brains with non-automatic skills? Practice, is certainly one way -- repetition and determination. And, that can take repeated requests for a person's name over at least several different occasions.
To repeat and expand on this, I have found that this it is an excellent conversational-aid (for most hate awkward silences -- yet those are perfectly okay -- ya' gotta have time to think) and superb ice-breaker to ask the person (or persons) to repeat -- on first meeting -- and admit that I may have trouble remembering and may have to keep asking, over time, till I truly have it, forever. Almost without fail, this elicits smiles of agreement and other comments that break that ice of first meeting)
5. ONE SUGGESTION: I say, ask the name as often as necessary, until it sticks. After all, we have no trouble (usually) remembering names of people we interact with regularly. So the name will eventually stick (sure as rain) if the person is encountered and named, often enough
(i.e. they become "regularized" in our minds)6. A LITTLE DREAM OF MINE -- AN IMPROVED SOCIAL CUSTOM: I think it would be a wonderful "new" social custom if we all wore name tags at every public event.
(Not sure that will ever happen, but hey, may as well plant the seed.) This may not be practicable in all cases, but I try to always take a supply of inexpensive paper name tags with me -- (when I remember) to pass out at formal dinners (at least at my table) and such -- and this is usually very well received -- and incredibly comforting and helpful to having a good time -- and getting to know new folks. (BE SURE TO TAKE A MAGIC MARKER -- it does no good if you can't see the name across the table)
Think of the pressure this relieves within settings which are often already stressful for some.
Another example: It would be great if this were a custom at City Council and other public meetings -- where it's so useful for neighbors to recognize those they will encounter (and would not otherwise notice -- without knowing their names) over many years.
Yet another example: This would be a blessing, even at private parties where new people are being brought together. A very thoughtful thing for a host to provide.
7. SO, IN A NUTSHELL: I say, no sweat if you forget a name -- you are not even close to being alone in this -- just ask and explain that you may have to ask a lot, over time, before it sticks. As long as you are willing to try hard -- I think you are paying a grand compliment to fellow humans.
8. A FEASIBLE NEXT STEP: Here is a Google search, to help begin (or continue) unlocking the entire Human Knowledge Base for wisdom on this really quite invaluable topic.
David Nelson
In my "grandfatherly" guise
P.S. There is probably a more concise way to say all of this -- but I do have a time-budget to manage (smile). I hope this suffices, for now -- albeit, imperfectly. Didn't want to forget to draft this -- "strike while the iron's hot" I always say. (well, not always said, but it is my rule)
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